What do you do when your 97-year-old father, while looking at antique figurines of Chinese soldiers on horseback, repeatedly insists that the stir-fry in front of him is horse meat and needs to be cleaned of poop?
What do you do when he becomes agitated during a very animated conversation with the departed and insists that someone call the police?
I’ve learned that I needed to enter my dad’s world in these situations. I should have offered to clean the so-called horse meat. I should have assured him I was calling the police if that’s what he wanted.
What I did, though, was insist the meat was not horse meat but one of his favorites, that it was getting cold, and that we had ordered it especially for his birthday. I spent 15 minutes making my arguments, and then I made a self-preservation escape to the kitchen, leaving Dad and his ranting to my wife and guests.
In the second scenario, I assured my dad that calling the police wasn’t necessary; he was safe at home, and I was with him. As he continued to shout, my frustration grew, and I disappeared into my thoughts and emails.
Those responses left my father in the loop and me aggravated. Looking back, perhaps if I had brought curiosity and creativity to the situations rather than argument, retreat, and distraction, I might have allowed my dad to shift in a positive direction while creating playfulness and joy in our interaction.
Have you heard the phrase: “meet them where they are”? Think of it as a version of the Golden Rule; it offers dignity, love, compassion, and true seeing for both the receiver and the giver.
What does meeting someone where they are mean? To me, it means the following:
Letting go of the need to control. Your idea, opinion, or even your perspective of reality isn’t the most important thing.
Listening to the person in front of you. Hear — really hear — what matters to them. Taking in that information without limiting it or trying to shape it to fit your beliefs can bring clarity. If you’re not clear, ask a direct question and listen to the answer. If you’re still stuck, ask people like the participants in this issue’s roundtable (page 38) for assistance. They’re experts at meeting people where they are and helping them design their lives most effectively.
Embracing your loved one, client, colleague, or friend. This also includes meeting yourself where you are, admitting whether you have an agenda, and considering whether you’re the best person to guide or make a particular decision at this time.
After asking several people what “meeting someone where they are” means, I’ve learned that most people have either never heard the phrase or don’t understand it. Join me on this call with love, compassion, curiosity, and a willingness to be with someone rather than against or above them. What a wonderful world we can share.
Louis A. Weiss
Publisher
