Sibling Strife

When sibling conflict complicates care for aging parents

Fact checked by Jim Lacy

Danielle Logan’s parents are in their 90s, and last year they moved into an assisted living home. Logan, whose name has been changed to protect her family’s privacy, has been navigating their care with her siblings — an experience that has posed challenges, especially because some siblings don’t communicate with one another.

“There have been dynamics or behaviors with my siblings that have either resurfaced during this time period or that I have now recognized as problematic,” Logan says.

Her situation isn’t unusual, according to Sun-Hee Yoon, CEO and founder of Sage Lifestyle Concierge, an aging and caregiving navigation service based in Chicago’s western suburbs. “Sibling estrangement rarely exists in a vacuum. It usually carries decades of history,” Yoon says. “A caregiving crisis doesn’t erase that history. It amplifies it.”

With her parents’ power of attorney, Logan focuses on the facts of her parents’ care and communicates necessary information to her siblings without emotion. She also encourages her siblings to respect their parents’ wishes and boundaries.

If you, like Logan, have limited communication with your siblings, try these tips for communicating crucial information about your parents.

Meet virtually and regularly

Logan hosts a monthly or as-needed virtual call with her parents and siblings to discuss current events and long-term planning related to their health, upcoming decisions, and more. Not everyone attends, but Logan always makes the meeting available.

“For those who attend, it has been a useful tool,” she says. She logs the meeting and follows the same format from meeting to meeting.

For unexpected events that she cannot address in a planned meeting, Logan uses a third party to deliver one-way text updates to her siblings.

Yoon says a one-way recorded phone or voice message line also works. 

“In this system, one sibling or a care coordinator leaves structured updates that others can listen to without the pressure of immediate response,” Yoon says. “It removes the emotional charge of a live call while still honoring everyone’s right to know.”

Communicate via a shared platform

A shared care journal or platform like CaringBridge, a Google Doc, or a dedicated family email thread can create a written record of health updates, appointments, and changes in health status that all parties can access on their own time. Apps such as Lotsa Helping Hands or ianacare enable specific task assignments.

“This reduces the need for real-time conversation, which is often where conflict ignites,” Yoon says.

Ellen Peterson, caregiver specialist at North Shore Senior Center in Northfield, says sharing details about a parent’s mealtimes, bathing routines, medication regimen, and more is important to keep all siblings informed and to divide tasks. 

“Perhaps one sibling can take the parent shopping, and another can help prepare a meal each week. One drives the parent to doctor appointments, and one handles researching additional support and assistance,” Peterson says.

Set up a virtual calendar

Stagger visits with parents to avoid sibling conflict. Keeping their environment as stress-free as possible is one way to show respect and limit confusion for parents who have dementia. “A parent shouldn’t have to witness tension in their own space,” Yoon says.

Logan tried to maintain a calendar to provide visibility into visits and activities for both her parents and siblings, but some siblings refused to use it.

“That was unfortunate because for those who don’t get along, it would have been a useful tool to avoid overlapping visits,” she says. 

Additionally, for siblings managing a large share of caregiving responsibility, a calendar lets them see when they might get a break.

Seek outside assistance

Logan’s parents initially insisted that she not involve a third party to navigate family disagreements. Over time, that changed. 

“As things developed and the communication was very negative, I consulted an attorney to protect those who had been delegated responsibilities,” she says. 

The attorney outlined how to address certain situations and establish boundaries. 

After that initial guidance, Logan says, “We could manage the situation on our own. If needed, we can reach out to the attorney.”

Getting help early on from a third party — such as a lawyer, nonrelative, or concierge service — to care for parents and communicate with siblings is a good idea, Yoon says. “Most families wait until a crisis — a hospitalization, a fall, a diagnosis — before they consider bringing in outside support. By that point, the pressure is immense, and the margin for conflict is high,” she says.

Consider the following signs that it’s time to lean on outside help:

• When a sibling withholds information, it may stem from hostility or a sense of control.
  “Every sibling has a right to accurate information about a parent’s well-being. If that information isn’t flowing freely, someone outside the family needs to hold that function,” Yoon says.
• When financial decisions are made unilaterally, enlist an elder law attorney. Yoon says, “Questions of power of attorney, guardianship, and estate planning cannot be left to informal negotiation between parties who are not on speaking terms.”
• When the primary caregiver shows signs of burnout, resentment, or isolation, a care manager can step in to coordinate, advocate, and ensure the parent’s needs remain a priority despite family dynamics.
• When communication between siblings consistently escalates or breaks down, a geriatric care manager, social worker, or family mediator can facilitate structured conversations that keep the focus
  on the parent.
• When a parent has no existing legal documents, such as a healthcare directive, power of attorney, or will, and siblings cannot agree on the next step, “That is the clearest signal that an elder law attorney is no longer optional,” Yoon says.
  

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  Originally published in the Summer/Fall 2026 print issue.